After talking to Cyrus (Super C! :P) tonight, ive realized a lot of things about myself..i mean ive always known that i am wishy washy, but he made me realize how it can really be detrimental to me if i dont watch it..for example, sometimes i get in this "gung ho"/overly enthusiastic mode where i think i can do whatever i want, and its going to be all great and shiet..but truth be told, i end up getting hurt, and my "plans" come smashing down..
I admit, I am definitely a person driven by impulse. if i see something at a store that i like, and even if its full price, ill just buy it on whim (sometimes i dont even end up wearing/using that item a lot..) I tend to let my *sometimes* irrational emotions override my rationale side, and basically i FUCK SHIT UP. I need to think more before i speak, act, and feel...oh, and speaking of "feeling" emotions..Cyrus also brought up another valid point about myself..
I tend to bury my true emotions underneath a facade...this mask is the "I'm-a-strong-girl-and-I-don't-give-a-sh
Right now, i think im going through a weird phase again..i feel like my life is going through one huge mother fuckin rollercoaster..sometimes everythings going fine..im going straight on the tracks..then other times i feel like i just went through 3 loops, 4 180 spins, and 5 vertical drops (hehe like my technicality?) right now i guess i feel slightly disillusioned..i dont know who my true friends are..im growing increasingly distant from my roomates..im confused about my ex situation..
Ok, about the ex..why should i be confused? I am definitely over him..meaning i know he lacks the qualities i look for, hes not the one, and i should just move on with my life, right? I mean thats what i THINK i should feel..tonight i IMd him and kinda vented my frustrations at the moment (with friends etc) and of course he had nothing insightful or helpful to say..why would i even want to talk to someone who has nothing of value to say to me and let alone hurt me so badly in the past? sometimes i really dont get myself..its like i become so desperate for ANYTHING sometimes that i just cling onto whatevers available..my ex is the last personi would turn to for advice..and yet, i mentioned to him that i want to hang out with him next week?
I just think that i want to test myself. Prove to myself that I, once and for all, am 100% over him, and feel "empowered" by the fact that i can face my so call "enemy" that ive resented so much the past couple months. But as Cyrus said, i cannot delude myself into escaping from my true feelings..i admit, hypothetically speaking, if i were to meet up with him, and he proved to be highly articulate, insightful, and deeply intellectual in a profound way, i would really look at him differently...and maybe even want to get back with him..butttt i am NOT holding my breath cause the last few IM convos with him just reminded me of how he was like when we were dating..dense, atrocious spelling/grammar and nothing insightful to say..i guess im longing for a sense of closure..some DEFINITELY book slam..like BAM..its over..perhaps i dont NEED to see him to obtain that feeling of closure..maybe i can just find it within myself to let him go..i dont think seeing him will resolve that much..hes still the same person as he was before..
But on the other hand *playing devils advocate here heh* it is a sign that im completley over him if i can hang out with him and talk to him civilly? does the fact that i can see him face to face, and look him straight in the eyes mean that i dont feel like i have to run awya from him any longer? theres so many questions that i dont have the answer to..i dont think ill ever have the answers..i always try to find some sort of truth..try to make sense of what doesnt make sense to me..im so used to piecing together the peices that have broke..maybe this time i should just not overthink/overanalyze the circumstances around my ex and let it slide...
or maybe i should just shut the fuck up...i think i have too much time on my hands anyway :D